Relationship building is an important element in effective mentoring. We sometimes take it for granted and we sometimes don’t really care about it. Today I was told a story that once again saddens me as it was clearly not effective mentoring and it was clearly not relationship building at all.

There can be a number of barriers in the mentoring process that typically arise when mentor training has not taken place. Gender differences can present a barrier but does it really have to? In the story that I was told this morning it obviously did as the mentee had indicated that they did not have a great mentoring experience. I can only imagine the thoughts that went through their mind when the opportunity to participate in a mentoring program this year was presented. They had some reservations to say the least.

Another barrier that we see and this obviously was one in the story I was told is cultural differences. What I am seeing is that without some form of training that addresses the need to be prepared for your mentoring experience you will struggle to build that trusted relationship. With the number of people that I am blessed to spend time with there are cultural differences and my job as an effective mentor is to understand what those differences are and respect them. That should not be something that deters our relationship from moving forward and it should move forward in a positive manner. If it doesn’t then I need to evaluate what I am doing.

The other day I spoke to a group of mentees that were preparing to embark on their mentoring journey. I had asked each to provide one or two things that they hoped to take away from their mentoring experience. One of the mentees when asked to respond to the question asked for additional time to respond which I honored. When we did come back to her she had a response that caused me some concern as I detected a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. I spoke with her separately at the end of the event and determined that she did in fact suffer from self-esteem/self-confidence. When asked she admitted that she struggled and did not know how to deal with this issue. My only hope is that her mentor is able to work with her to address this and help her become more positive and believing in who she is and what she is capable of doing. This particular person is an international student who is trying to assimilate into a new culture and obtain her education on top of it all. I spoke with a colleague of mine who was in a similar position a while ago and she confirmed for me that she too went through much the same thing during her early stages of cultural assimilation. She struggled with self-esteem and self-confidence and was withdrawn in a lot of situations. You certainly would not know that she was the same person today! She is very articulate and is someone that I work with and learn so much from in our mentoring journey. Part of our success in our relationship is the respect for each others cultural differences and working within the confines of those differences. That respect is extended to what each brings to the mentoring relationship.

My colleague and I discussed what is important to her in the relationship building process. She indicated that building a trusted relationship is crucial but creating that safe environment as part of that trusting relationship is also important. We have deep and meaningful conversations that she does not have with anyone else. We look forward to those conversations.

The story that I referenced earlier in this article is one where there was no trust, there wasn’t a safe environment and there was no relationship. As a result, the person did not receive the benefit that mentoring can bring. Imagine what would have taken place had the mentor had some form of training?

Relationships are crucial to the success of your mentoring journey. Take the time to build those relationships properly. Respect what each other brings to the relationship. Take advantage of the opportunity to learn and grow personally and professionally. Share the “gift of mentoring!”