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There are so many changes that have taken place or are taking place globally. We feel challenged and, in some cases, uncertain as to where we are going or how we are getting there. One thing that I find unnerving is our health and the health of our love ones. The obvious issue is our mental health and the lack of a support structure. You may be one of the fortunate ones who has a professional health resource that you can call to help you with the many challenges that you may be facing. Not everyone is that lucky. You may also have long waiting periods between appointments. All of this is part of t he mental health pandemic.
What I have found most recently is a fear to step out of the closet and ask for help. Search for that person who can walk beside you and share what each is feeling. The conversation they have with you is non-judgemental and is an integral part of their support structure. One that is kept in the strictest nature.
Having that person to walk beside you, share their lived and relevant experience will provide that bridge between appointments with professional resources to get us through to the next appointment.
What I wish was that at various stages of my life I would have had that mentor that I could count on. Instead, I had to figure out coping skills that would take that place and get me through to my next appointment. Sometimes it was an eternity till that next appointment which was a challenge by itself.
What this meant was that the coping skills were just as bad as dealing with my mental health.
Another thing that I am dealing with is two looses in my life that of my mother and my wife. They were a part of my support structure or at least my wife was and I now see how grief can be a part of your mental health challenges. Trying to seek counseling in a timely manner is over whelming as the demand for this professional help far exceeds the supply.
This is where I have found that a mentor can play an integral part of your support structure. I am working with a number of people that are either dealing with grief or some form of mental health and we are able create that bridge that gets us to the next appointment. Remember, all that it takes is to reach out and ask for help. Come out of the closet and ask for help and someone will be there.
Today there is an emptiness and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I miss her and wish that we were spending time together like we use to. I would even settle for quality time together raking lives before the wind blows them all over. Debra use to marvel at how everyone else’s leaves would end up in our yard and it seemed that every year we were blessed with adding yet another bag to the collection.
We got through all of that and smiled the whole time. When she got sick and we were not sure what it was that she had she kept smiling. When we wondered if raking all though leaves was part of the issue so she kept smiling. When it was painful to get out of bed in the morning she kept smiling.
This morning, I was searching for something. I wasn’t sure for what but I knew that I had to find something that I could draw on, something that would keep me smiling so I began my quest.
I started to type into my computer and sure enough that bought a glimmer of a smile to my face but it went away shortly thereafter and it was back to the beginning again back to trying to figure out what would keep me smiling.
I stumbled across a phrase, a sentence that was powerful that I had to share it with you.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/12311484-love-came-first-you-don-t-move-on-after-loss-but
Having lost the one that could make me smile and keep me smiling this phrase and the supporting poems has so much meaning.
Grief exists because Love existed first says it all. I think of times when Debra was sick and the one thing that kept us together, kept a smile on our face no matter how challenging and it was our love for each other. As the clock kept ticking away and she had to ensure another night of pain we knew that our love was going to keep us together. We remembered that love always exists first and is the only thing that can push all else out of the way.
Towards the end when the outcome was fairly certain I believe that I had started my grieving journey. I also knew that I would have to be strong for all and that I had this enormous amount of love which was going to guide me and be beside me on my healing journey because,
Grief Exists Because Love Existed First
When I have to deal with something that has an outcome, I wonder what value that is to me. I would like to hope that everything happens for a reason and that it is contributing to my library of lived experiences. That library can provide wisdom, knowledge and insight how things may turn out.
As a mentor and more importantly as a grief mentor tapping into what my library has to offer is important as it will drive the outcomes that I might expect. The past weeks I have had to check out a number of lived experiences for a writing project that I am doing. I must say that it was emotionally draining to say the least. Some of those experiences went back to when I was growing up. What I came to realize is that how things evolved were similar to how they evolved today. Drawing on my lived experiences resulted in similar outcomes today.
Where I find it most beneficial is when I am working with someone who is struggling with their mental health or navigating their grief journey. When I can tap into my library as I have had lived experience that I have stored in my library it helps us generate positive outcomes for my benefit but more importantly for the person I am working with. I don’t always have material I in my library but in most cases I usually do. One thing I have noticed is that lived experience is very beneficial while working in the health sector especially as a grief mentor.
Lived experience is crucial because it provides firsthand knowledge, nuance, and practical insights that statistics or academic expertise alone cannot offer. It is essential for informing effective policy, healthcare, and research by highlighting what actually matters to people.
This article is true in that having the practical experience is critical versus having only the academic knowledge. I notice that a lot when I am mentoring whether it be grief mentoring or not.
The next time something significant or not happens to you, remember to see where you are going to catalogue it in your library. Being able to catalogue it and then locate it when it comes time to use it again will help you better understand the value of lived experience and how you might use it. Your library of lived experiences – helping shape your future and how you deal with it.
Mentoring is about a two-way trusted relationship where both the mentor and mentee learn and grow on a personal and professional basis.
I have found that a good mentor will explore the mental health and well-being of their mentee as that will influence the path that you both will take. I have added to my tool kit the need to have a conversation that will touch on the mental well-being of my mentee. That determines the direction that we are going to take.
I have had some people that I have been working with and by having those discussions early in the relationship we were able to better customize the approach that we were going to take and outcomes that are better suited to what they wanted. One area that seems to require attention is grief. With all that is going on in the world today I have people reaching out for someone to walk beside them as they go on their healing journey. I know that I am still dealing with the loss of my wife, Debra and that doing it alone is not always the easiest.
I recommend that you reach out and ask for help as you do not have to travel that journey on your own. Your mentor if they have walked that same path can be a support that you never thought of.
Having a mentor with real life experience is a plus. That mentor can keep your conversation confidential. They can listen and hear and be non-judgemental. They will walk beside you and provide that comfort that you so much yearn for.
All that you need to do is reach out and say, “I need help”. A simple task but one that can change your world. Remember, “I need Help”.
MY GRIEF JOURNEY
It is a special time as Easter is upon us and we reflect on those that are no longer with us. It is a time that we draw on our spiritual strengths to deal with our grief and honor those that are not physically with us.
It is times like this that we appear to be a little out of sorts and experience what is commonly known as “widow brain”. You go into a room and then look around you and ask why am I here and what am I searching for. It can be somewhat stressful when you ask yourself how did I get here.
Christmas and all the other special occasions are times when I become angry as it is not clear to me why I passed before Debra. A question that I don’t know the answer to and I may never know. I have turned to my faith/spirituality but the answer still is not there.
It is also a time where I deal with the most sadness and my loneliness levels reach highs that make it difficult to manage. My journey becomes one that is wrought with loneliness and I continue to search for what is needed.
It is a time when I need to draw on my spirituality for some of the answers. Answers that may never come but I can ask for guidance to make the most of a journey that I know will continue.
I just need to stay strong.
We have so many things to be thankful for as part of this holiday week-end. For the most part we are blessed with good health. We are blessed with the happiness of family and friends. We are blessed with what I know will be a great meal. I have some things that I have to work at as I am not am not thankful for. I am not thankful for the loss of Debra who left us in 2021. I am not thankful for her empty chair at the dinner table this weekend. There is so much that is going to be missing and yet so much to be thankful for.
When I think back to when Debra passed, I never thought of all those holiday times that made that so special. I think some of that comes natural as the days, weeks and months drift by.
But I am thankful. There are so many people that are not as blessed and don’t have that much to be thankful for. There is so much negativity in t he world today and so many people that don’t have that much if anything to be thankful for.
But I am thankful.
I am thankful that I am able to write this article for you and that you are able to read it. There are so many in the world today that do not have that ability. When we call it a night tonight know that I am thankful for your love and warm hugs that help me through the night.
But most important I am thankful for you.
It is important to a person who is struggling with their healing journey to have someone that they can turn to. I know for me that I don’t always have that feeling that there is someone standing beside me. Standing beside me is one thing but standing be side me and actually caring is another. I have watched the impact that I can have on someone if I listen and hear and demonstrate that they are important to me. I do actually care.
I am making sure that I continually check in to make sure that you are okay and not over whelmed by the process. Part of that process can be to simply ask the question – Are you getting value from the time we are together and “yes” it is okay to be emotional.
Three words that mean a lot to me are caring, calm and monitor. My practice is premised on caring for those I serve. I periodically check in to make sure you are doing okay. Asking if you are getting value from our conversation is one way
Being present but being present in a calm manner can provide you with the strength you need to move forward.
Listening is an attribute that you can use as a leader and as a grief mentor. I have always said that we listen sometimes but we don’t always hear what is being said.
You are important to me and I hope you are getting value from the time we spend together.
Grief Never Ends
It is so true that grief never ends no matter what you do. All the emotions that I have had to deal with haven’t altered the course of my healing journey. In some cases, they have made it worse. From my own lived experience and from with talking with others the message is much the same – grief never ends.
You then ask the question “then what”. Well, it changes. From my own lived experiences, I have seen the loneliness grow as grief seems to hang on to the mind, body and soul making it difficult to answer the question “then what”
Maybe the grief is the answer? You find yourself in a whole bunch of sadness and sorrow but then you turn to what you know best and that is grief. Now we look at grief as something that can get us to the point where we can maybe answer “now what?”
So, I began to realize that grief never truly ends it just changes.
Every time I hear that sentence or I see it in the written format I ask myself when is that going to be the truth. The truth is, I am alone and it doesn’t seem like that is going to change much in the next few years. I know there are others that are experiencing much the same and the sadness that goes with it but that journey can stop at anytime and let me off the bus.
It is a roller coaster of emotions and some days are better than others. We need to be strong and always remember that no matter what - you are not alone. I lost my wife Debra to a hard-fought battle with cancer. Every day that roller coaster of emotions kicks in and I relieve one or more of the events that took place those last few days.
I have those feelings of guilt where I thought it was to have been me and days where I wished that it had been me. I know that Debra is with me – because I am not alone but its not the same.
Remember that grief exists because love existed first.
As you read this, tell me does it resonate with you?
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, connection, and celebration—a season wrapped in lights, traditions, and togetherness. Yet for those who are grieving, this time of year can feel profoundly different. What once brought comfort may now intensify the ache of loss. Moments that used to evoke nostalgia may instead stir up a sense of emptiness. While others count down to gatherings and festivities, grieving individuals may find themselves counting the ways life has changed forever.
Grief and the holidays intersect in complicated ways. The season’s emphasis on family, ritual, and joy can clash sharply with the internal realities of sorrow, loneliness, or emotional exhaustion. Understanding this tension is the first step toward navigating it with compassion—for ourselves and for others who may be quietly struggling.
Why the Holidays Can Magnify Grief
Holidays are full of traditions, and traditions are rooted in memory. When someone we love dies, those memories become the very places where absence is felt most intensely. An empty seat at the table can feel louder than the conversations happening around it. A missing voice during a favorite carol or a signature recipe no longer prepared can become unexpected emotional triggers.
The holidays are also a time when society tends to idealize happiness. This cultural pressure can make grieving people feel out of sync with everyone around them—as though their sorrow is unwelcome or something to hide. Many feel they need to “put on a brave face,” even when their heart is heavy.
Additionally, grief often brings fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and emotional overwhelm. Combined with holiday demands—shopping, planning, social commitments, and increased financial strain—the season can quickly become draining instead of uplifting.
Honoring Emotions Without Judgment
One of the most compassionate choices a grieving person can make is to acknowledge their feelings without labeling them as “wrong.” Grief is not a problem to solve; it is a natural response to love and loss. The holiday season doesn’t require us to abandon our grief or pretend it isn’t present. It simply asks us to hold space for both the sorrow we feel and the small moments of warmth or connection that may still emerge.
Some people find comfort in maintaining old traditions, feeling close to their loved one through familiarity. Others prefer to create entirely new rituals to avoid pain or conflict. Both choices are valid. The key is giving yourself permission to do what supports your well-being, not what others expect.
Practical Ways to Navigate the Holidays While Grieving
1. Set realistic expectations.
You do not need to attend every event or meet every holiday standard. Choose what feels manageable and decline what feels draining. Your emotional bandwidth matters.
2. Communicate your needs.
Family and friends often want to be supportive but may not know how. Letting them know what helps—and what doesn’t—can prevent misunderstandings and reduce pressure.
3. Create space to remember.
Lighting a candle, sharing stories, preparing a loved one’s favorite dish, or setting up a small memory table can be meaningful ways to honor the person who has died.
4. Allow moments of joy without guilt.
Experiencing laughter or warmth does not diminish your grief or your love for the person who has passed. Moments of light are not betrayals—they are evidence that you are human.
5. Seek connection and support.
Whether it is through a grief support group, a trusted mentor, a therapist, or simply a compassionate friend, talking about what you’re feeling can ease isolation and strengthen resilience.
6. Plan ahead for emotional triggers.
Identify which traditions or events may be difficult and decide in advance how you want to engage—or whether you want to pause them this year.
A Season of Both Memory and Meaning
Grief does not operate on a calendar. It does not take a break because the world has wrapped itself in lights and celebration. Yet the holiday season also offers unique opportunities for reflection, connection, and meaning-making. The contrast between joy and sorrow can invite deeper understanding of what truly matters—love, presence, relationships, and compassion.
For many, the holidays become a time to integrate grief into life in a new way. Not by moving on, but by moving forward with both memories and hope. The person we lost remains part of our story—woven into our traditions, our conversations, our reflections, and our hearts.
Finding Light in Your Own Way
There is no single right way to grieve during the holiday season. What matters most is honoring your emotional truth, allowing yourself to rest when needed, and finding gentle ways to carry both love and loss. Some days may feel heavier than others. Some moments may catch you by surprise. But within that complexity, there is also capacity for healing.
If you are grieving this holiday season, know this: You are not alone. Your feelings are valid, your memories matter, and your path—however winding—is your own to travel. May you find small sources of light, comfort, and connection as you move through this season with courage and compassion.