Relationships are a part of our lives. We have them in the work place and we have them in our personal lives. Relationships in our personal lives can encompass our family and our friends. We can have those very close and personal relationships with people inside our “inner circle” and we can have relationships with those that are family and close friends. You may find that some of your work related relationships may spawn a relationship that extends outside of the work place. Relationships are truly a huge part of our lives.

Relationships drive the success of an effective mentoring relationship. It goes beyond just having a mentoring relationship where the value can be questionable to a relationship that is trusted and there is value that can be seen by all the stakeholders. How do we make sure that there is value in an effective mentoring relationship? We need to understand the various phases of an effective mentoring relationship and what is required in each.

I have broken this down into three (3) phases. They are; 1) the Trusting Phase, 2) the Learning and Development Phase and 3) the Maintenance Phase. Let’s take a look at each one.

In the “Trusting Phase” our intent is to build a trusted relationship. This sounds easy but can actually be the major stumbling block for a lot of mentoring relationships. I have spoken to hundreds of people that have been involved in a mentoring relationship and have turned sour on mentoring because of the relationship or lack thereof that they experienced. The journey can be a rewarding one but without trust in place it will flounder and both participants will become frustrated. What is the key to building trust in a relationship? What we have found is that it means that I have to understand who I am as a person and be genuine about that. It means that I have to be willing to share some of my personal secrets to help develop that trust. Perhaps some of those secrets are similar to some of the challenges that your mentee is experiencing. What a better way to pave the road to trust that to have common challenges that you or have dealt with. It demonstrates that you are human just like they are and that together you can work through those challenges. The “trusting phase” can last anywhere from one meeting to however many it takes to build that relationship. I have established trust in the first meeting but I have also had situations where it has been a number of meetings to build the required level of trust we need to move forward. Patience is a virtue – never forget that! You will instinctively know when the trust level is where you need it to move forward. Every person is unique and how you get to the trusted relationship will be driven by the uniqueness of each person. There is no cookie cutter approach to this. I have been able to hone this skill and can normally create a safe environment and a trusted relationship in the first meeting. You can get to that point as well – remember that practice makes perfect! Once you have developed the trusted relationship it is time to move on to the “learning and development phase”.

In the “learning and development phase” this is basically where all the work is done. This is where you both will grow personally and professionally. Effective mentoring is all about both participants benefiting from the relationship. You can imagine a number of different scenarios that you may have to work together on. This is where you need to be using the Socratic Method to guide your mentee to the answers rather than you telling them what the answer is.  A lot of times you will hear that you need to have worked in the industry that your mentee is working in so that you can advise them appropriately. I prefer to not be working in the same industry as that gives me a multitude of questions that I can ask in order to learn more about my mentee. This is the part where I learn not only about my mentee but the industry that they are working in. This is a great tool when you are doing mentor culture work and want to better understand the environment that the employees are working in. This phase can last as long as you need it to. I have some mentoring relationships that have been in existence now for a little over a year and some that have spanned 5 years. I have also had some that have been less than these time frames and they were driven by the nature of the relationship and the needs of the mentee. One of the things that I usually do is to ask the mentee at the end of our meeting if they received value from our meeting and if so they can help me understand in what context. Conversely I also like to know when I have not lived up to their expectations. Depending on the nature of the relationship it is possible to have them ask similar questions of you – so be prepared to answer truthfully. There is a progression that you will find your relationship taking. During the initial stages of the “learning and development phase” you may be meeting once a week. As time moves on and the relationship continues to grow you will then move to meeting every two weeks and then on to monthly. You will get a sense that your relationship has arrived at a mutually agreed to place and time where you no longer need to be meeting on a regular basis. This is when you will move into the “maintenance phase”.

In the maintenance phase of your relationship you may initially decide to schedule meetings on a monthly basis but it is easier to use a supply and demand philosophy where if either party needs guidance they can initiate contact. With some of mentees that I have a mentoring relationship with we reach out to each other through email, text, or phone. Sometimes we just need to be there to listen and that is okay as that is a large part of being an effective mentor. Active listening and knowing when to listen and not talk are some of the competencies of an effective mentor. Some of my mentoring relationships are maintained with a simple email at either a 6 month window or once a year to make sure that things are going well and that I am always there for them.  You can always move back to the “learning and development phase” should the need arise. Changes in circumstances on the personal or professional side of things may prompt you to make that move – it would be mutually agreed to as well.

Relationship building and maintaining is a transferable skill that can be used in all facets of our life. Effective mentors use these skills to create that safe environment and build trust in their relationships on an ongoing basis. Mentoring is a powerful tool that continues to bring value to people and the organizations that they are part of. Have you “embraced the power of mentoring?” “Can you afford not to?”